Here to momentarily distract you from fretting about Tuesday

I decided to write this week's newsletter out on the back deck we had built in June by a builder who I just learned is terrible on local politics. One of my favorite podcasts is Normal Gossip, and what's going on in my little town would be fodder for an incredible episode, as it involves a bakery throwing an absolute fit over the prospect of losing 4 technically unofficial parking spaces in front of their building - not their only parking btw and also totally treacherous for both drivers and pedestrians - claiming that if they're forced to divert patrons to parking spots a few feet away, they'll lose business and have to close after more than 60 years. As the kids would say, the math ain't math-ing. Meanwhile two town council candidates on this year's ballot were somehow at the ready with eight million lawn signs and a full website AND change.org petition (!) all imploring the town to "save" this business. The sitting council chair Wendy aptly compares to Mr. Burns from The Simpsons promptly scheduled a special last minute public comment hearing about it, the livestream of which was Christopher Guest mockumentary-level entertainment. I've been on my deck builder's email list which was innocuous enough until the latest blast hopping on this misguided bandwagon, and angrily unsubscribed.

The deck is fine, but now I'm incensed by anything that's even slightly off about it. It's nice sitting out here right now because it's sunny and crisp today and my backyard has a lush canopy of trees that's a wild amusement park for lots of sweet creatures, but that's all credited to nature not my stupid builder, so there.

To momentarily anaesthetize ourselves in the run-up to the election we've been watching Love Is Blind, which I would neither recommend nor denounce. I feel it's a net neutral for society. As our eyes soothingly glazed over, eased into oblivion by a proliferation of opaque metallic stemware and talk of getting "the ick," Wendy asked me if I'd have chosen her in the show's isolation pods. Without a moment's hesitation I said, "absolutely not," after which I've spent several days explaining myself. She's not upset, but she does keep half-jokingly bringing it up. Listen, it's purely the fact that I can't even hypothetically engage with the desire to both present myself as a romantic prospect and meet potential prospects from behind a wall. It's not about needing to perceive a person's physical appearance so much as it's about pheromones flying around. Should I have taken this question so literally? Certainly not!

In the summer of 2003 I had an internship at a magazine in NYC that gave me about 2 hours of work a day, after which I occupied myself with nascent forms of online dating. In the margins of The Onion I'd noticed personal ads that I thought would be satire but discovered they linked to a bespoke dating site for coastal elite hipsters (perfect) where at least 60% of respondents answered what music they liked to have sex to with, "Portishead." Though clearly noteworthy, that didn't factor in for me as I was most interested in entertaining myself at "work" by finding people to have lunch dates with.

What I learned was I'm capable of having sensational email chemistry (again, 2003) with plenty of people, and sometimes that would go on for weeks before making a plan to meet IRL, at which point it would be a much bigger letdown if the in-person chemistry didn't pop off. And it literally never did. So no, I can't imagine being in the stupid LIB pods in the first place, let alone speculating about how Wendy would have come across to me with just her voice. Yeah yeah yeah her voice is magical to me but let's be real, we met in a sweaty bar in our sweaty 20s and that connection made me (eventually) want to know what her childhood was like and how often she thinks a home ought to be vacuumed, not the other way around. In conclusion, my advice is to watch this show and not ask your spouse if they'd fall in love with you in a scenario presided over by Nick and Vanessa Lachey.

On to this week's actual advice question which really made me laugh and think, the best kind:

I am uncomfortable with the term "salon slut." I understand that the word "slut" can be empowering in some contexts, but the phrase "salon slut" connotes something that is negative and socially reprehensible. I have people in my life who use this phrase, and I don't know how to help them understand why it is problematic. Is there another kitschy, perhaps even alliterative, phrase that I could offer in place of "salon slut"? How do I broach this sensitive topic in a way that is non-confrontational?

Ok this has me feeling like all the reporters who were like, "what's 'brat' who is 'brat' am I 'brat,'" because I haven't heard the term "salon slut" but assume I'm just out of the loop on the lingo. Listen I'm doing my best, I'm 40 with no kids so I'm independently proactive about confidently saying things like "mid," and listening to Sabrina Carpenter. Her range is unfortunately way too high for me except when she generously drops an octave to sing the word "motherf*cker." (Sorry Mom.)

So I'll take your word for it that People Are Saying salon slut and engage with this question in good faith, because ultimately it's about what to do when someone close to you says something you find offensive.

As with most slurs it's all about who's saying them, in what context, and the speaker's intentions. It's probably safe to assume that the folks saying salon slut are referring proudly to themselves, as it's hard for me to imagine anyone describing someone else as a salon slut, unless it's a salty hairstylist discovering that a client she thought was loyal and consistent was actually spreading her hair into every shampoo bowl all over town.

Policing others' language is tricky business in any case, but especially when the language is being used to describe themselves, because then it means probably what you've got to deal with are your own feelings and judgments! Wheeeeee! Ask yourself why salon slut really bothers you? You said it has negative and socially reprehensible connotations, but of course that's totally subjective. (As I type this I know my mom is cringing every time she reads the word "slut," so you've got one ally in offense.)

If there's one key to getting what you want and need from others, in my opinion, it's good humor. I don't mean like when they do the reading challenge on Drag Race and half the queens think simply being mean is comedy. When you're using humor to change someone's mind, the joke should be on you, not them. That's why I'm pressing you a little bit to interrogate what about salon slut irks you, because therein will lie the joke. I totally agree that you need an alternate phrase to offer up in a light and fun way that maybe evokes pop culture, and which you can deliver in a self-deprecating tone, both factors serving to prevent the friend from taking your language correction personally, or as an earnest language correction at all. Here are some options off the top of my head:

• Dabbling in salon ethical non-monogamy
• Participating in a beauty parlor polycule
• Salon sampler
• Tonsorial trollop

I'm sure you can do better. Please comment with more ideas, I know I've got some real wordsmiths reading this!

Having difficult conversations is...difficult? I sense that your question is at least a little tongue-in-cheek, but it does earnestly speak to the legitimately irksome experience of hearing language that bothers you and having to run the mental calculus of why, and whether it's worth saying something about it, and then how to do that without ruining a relationship. Sometimes it's really cut and dry, like when a girl at my beauty school referred to the calf-length skirt she sometimes wore to class as her "Jew skirt" and I didn't need to deploy humor to tell her she absolutely could not say that. I also wasn't worried about that conversation because she was my beauty school nemesis and a total asshole, so I corrected her with relish, and then went on to win beauty school by earning the highest GPA in my class. She got best attendance, which she tried to assert was better than highest GPA ha ha ha girl please.

When it's not so clear, and you'd actually really suffer if the relationship in question faltered, as long as the troubling words aren't categorically racist or xenophobic, I say either talk it out in therapy/hairapy and let it go, or if you feel confident in your comedic delivery go ahead and offer your favorite silly alternative next time it comes up, and hopefully you two will laugh and laugh and then I bet she won't say "salon slut" ever again, and you win.

Love, Caroline

Submit advice questions here: https://www.carolinemitgang.com/about

*Sabrina Carpenter voice* Pleeeeease pleeeeeease pleeeeeease vote, and don't waste it on a third party. Primaries are when you vote your conscience; the general is when you vote pragmatically for maximum harm reduction for the most people. Harm reduction is the mantra, repeat it to yourself as much as necessary to hopefully avert disaster with your vote, and then we immediately get to work moving the center-right to the left to the left.